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Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you.
June 2007
 
 
 
 
 
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Fri, Jun. 15th, 2007 07:32 am
www.myspace.com/debieruth

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Fri, Jan. 20th, 2006 08:43 pm
So its been a LONG time since ive journaled.. a whole hell of alot has happened.. my life sucks, as usual. Almost got fired today, but there giving me another chance. Have a super bad headache.. check out my myspace... its got new pictures.. miss you all..

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Sun, Jan. 2nd, 2005 01:42 pm
WOW.. i havent updated in such a long time! How was everyones christmas? Mine was fine.. i got the cutest pink Prada purse, tons of BCBG sweaters, a canopy for my four poster bed, some perfume, and lots more....Im not sure i should be a leader anymore.. how do i explain that i spend more time thinking about ending my life than trying to go on with it. I look at things and think of the ways it could hurt me. I cant get help because i dont have insurance.

Current Mood: crappy crappy

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Mon, Oct. 25th, 2004 01:28 pm
So things heres are going pretty well lately.. got me some super deals some new Abercombie jeans for 25 bucks some Chanel sunglasses, some Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses for my sister and a couple for shirts. I talked to my moms doctor friend and he just happens to be close friends with Donna Karen and the founder of Liz Claibourne!!!!! HELLLOOOOOOO!!!! He's getting me the hookups.*Smile* I was actually jumping up and down while on the phone with him..lol. Anyway..thats all thats going on.. ciao.. love ya..

Current Mood: chipper chipper

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Mon, Oct. 18th, 2004 05:29 pm
So lately ive been soo sick. Serious migraines. Can harldy even get out of bed. Plus our home phone lines are down and today my head doesnt hurt so i walked to the library in the drizzle and cold cause i couldnt go another week without checking my email or updating. Plus my mom and I have come to the conclusion that im goign to move to the New York City. We think that the city change, well the everything change will be really really good for me. So i figured i better start getting used to walked everywhere. My mom has this doctor friend that use to work with when he was just a resident pup before he was a full fledged MD in NYC and shes gotten ahold of him so hes going to help me get my bearings theres in the big ol apple. IM SOOO EXCITED. Im kinda leaning towards a one bedroom apartment, that is unless i find a superduper roommate, but it has to be in Manhattan, with a 24 hr doorman and elevators, and the most important thing of all is i have to be allowed to have my dog armani. Anyway.. thats all really thats going on.. things strange keyboard is kinad hard to type on so im going to go scoare the new york times rentals sections.. everyones going to have to come visit me though!!!muahs!!!

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Sat, Oct. 9th, 2004 10:23 am
These are quotes from the book "After Silence". This book has helped me put my emotions into words that i wasnt able to form on my own. These words speak to my heart and helped me to understand my "new" self better. I hope they help you understand me better now too. "I live with a sudden fear the way others live with cancer. The fear is always there, it warrens just below the surface of my skin, waiting. Through associations that were a language only I knew, the fear will spring suddenly into the light with its squinting brood of memories tumbling after it." "How do I tell people who dont know, people who might become close friends? If I dont tell them, it makes it a secret, like something to be ashamed of. When I do them them, they make it worse. They never ask me about it. Its a part of me, part of who I am now, but they dont want to know about it. Its no-win. Just no-win." "The victims of rape must carry their memories with them for the rest of their lives." "There is nothing more reassuring than a locked door-unless you've locked the devil in with you." "Those parts of my body that hiterto had been reserved and private were no longer mine, but in this they were indistinguishable from the rest of my body, also no longer mine." "I had no attachment at all to my body, although I wanted only one thing: to preserve it." "Once I was free of this devouring fear, a cold, even calculating awareness took its place, illuminating everything all at once and destroying all capacity for emotion." "Feeling nothing liberates some aspect of mind that under normal conditions is croweded with bodily sensations and constant ebb and flow of emotions." "Memories were drained of meaning, because the person who had them no longer existed." "It sits in the center of my being like a glacier" "A part of me is bound to it for the rest of my life" "It peaks and valleys, its shores and streams would take a lifetime to explore, but I didnt know that. I stood on its shore bewildered. Terror overwhelmed me." "Monsters, the kind that lived in nightmares, were now suddenly real again." "Then the spider crawls inside...inside is safe." "I want to wash my mouth out with fire. What is in my mouth? Dirt is in my mouth. In my body. His dirt." "I am alone..my shadow runs back into me to hide..and there is not room for both of us.. and the dread" "My body was still not my own. It was evidence. I was not a patient whose wounds could be sutured. I was the scene of a crime" "What would a hug mean to someone whose body no longer felt as if it belonged to her?" "I realized "real" wounds could be tended" "The rapist had stolen something at the center of what I had known as myself" "I no longer saw myself from the ceiling or from just over my shouldar. I was lost inside myself with no escape from my inner world." "The nurse is taking pictures of my body with a polaroid camera." "My hair is combed over a piece of paper. Then strands are plucked. More envelopes. "Veneral disease. Gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, trichomoniasis. I tell myself again that the pain is worth it.. then I think of genital herpes, warts. Then i think of AIDS." "She gives me estrogen in a high dose: two tablets now, two in 12 hours that should induce it." "You're not a victim...You're a survivor" "God wasnt around this afternoon" "The effort of holding the pain away from the cause of it- the facts that were both memory and immediate experience(there seemed to be no distincition between them). What the rapist did to my body was not in the past, as i had no past- because the memory of what happened did not feel like a memory. It felt here and now, in the present tense." "Feeling nothing at all was tunnel life. Although unpredictable the tunnels were a relief from the blurred corridors of searing light that intruded from the past that was present." "Featureless, the driver was all male strangers, each and every one of whom might be a rapist. The postman. The man walking behind me on the sidewalk. The man sitting in his car at the grocery store. They might all be rapists." "I was stunned at what fear could do" "'Snap out of it,' 'put it behind you,' 'forget about it'- words of advice i heard many times from those closest too me. Hardly seem reasonable requests. Indeed, these please are especially painful because they come with love. To a rape survivor, nothing is more desired or more impossible than forgetting." "I feel like prey" "Maybe i was dead but didnt know it" "What did I do to deserve this?" "It seemed to me that even close friends either withdrew or judged me" " Self doubt, a cousin to the self blame that so often plaques rape survivors, lingers for years like a dormant virus waiting for a moment of compromise." "I feel so vulnerable. I dont know who i am anymore" "...proved my bad judgement, carelessness, inattention. Thats why i got raped." "I wish i were dead" "...that it would be I, not the rapists, who would be given the life sentence." " When I was attacked by sudden, incoherent fear, I felt as if i had a shadow rapist living inside me." "It was a terrorist inside of my brain, a part of me" "It was living with novocaine in the heart, condemned to life on the glassy surface of the emotinoal horse latitudes. I felt cut off from everything and, as the years passed, even from the memory of emotional life as i had once experienced it. My capacity to feel deep concern about my feelings or the feelings of others seemed to have been freeze dried, like instant coffee. The problem was, I didnt remember what brewed coffee tasted like." "Rape is the most intimate crime, usually a solitary and secret crime horror, that it is the only violent crime that tarnishes the victim as well as the perpetrator, and that is primarily men who can and do rape may affect our willingness to acknowledge rape's inevitable long term effects." "Reporting rape to the police sets in motin an inexorable legal process that, despite some recent adjustments, all too often puts the victim on trial." "But rape goes on" "Will I ever feel clean again?" "The rapist had planted the seed of this self-hatred" "She is called'the Victim'" "The compulsion to discredit the victim, rather than to witness her pain, is almost irresistible, even in a victims immeditate circle." "But did they make the rape my fault? Did I "ask for it"?" "60% of rape victims experience post-tramatic stress disorder" "I felt violated and abused-and powerless." "Its still hard for me to say the word rape " "Sometimes I wept for the silence of God, and somehow she reminded me that this silence was also God" " I am not better." " I am so angry that i must remember like this, question by question, as if it were possible to describe." " I am living in Hell. What more do you want to know?" "When I did sleep, i had nightmares" " How what happened shaped me and is still shaping me" "The rape distorted not only what came after it, but all that went before it as well" "Though our bodies would heal, our souls had sustained a damage beyond compenstation" "Rape, like other experiences of terrifying too muchness, is, first and foremost, a crime against memory, a crime against the self. The fact that rape is a sexual violation tends to make it harder for others to understand this crimes impact on memory and identity." "Denying painful feelings is like swallowing a time bomb. Yet it seems to me that this is what is asked of survivors of terrible things, and that survivors cant help swallowing." "Life as a rape survivor is full of contraditions and layers of shame" "I was discovering that truth telling could be healing disquised as a wounding." "It is easier to go numb in front of the tv set" "As a child, I felt criticized for being too sensitive, too softhearted." "Let fish go after i caught them(actually did this and my brother beat me up for it) and agonizing over the pain i'd inflicted" "The tension between denial and truth telling seemed to increase the more I spoke about my rape" " Words seem to make it visible. BUt speaking, even when it embarrassed me, also slowly freed me from the shame id felt. THe more I struggled to speak, the less power rape and its aftermath seemed to have over me." OK thats all for now.. theres more but i gotta go..

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Thu, Oct. 7th, 2004 08:15 pm
Ive been in bed since Sunday. This headache is killing me.. i got up for a few minutes last night and got so dizzy with this vertigo thing that i fell and cracked my head on the edge of a door frame. It also sounds like i have a band geek playing his trumpet in my ears. Stop it already! I still break into huge sobs when i think about how bad i hurt Angelica.. she's my friend i cant believe i did that! Maybe i was trying to win approval from the guys or something.. i never feel like they like me or want me around. The doctor thinks theres a possibitlity of a blood clot or tumor on my brain.. hence the nonstop pain, vertigo, dizzyness, loss of balance, and personality change.. pulling someones chair away from them just isnt me. Im the girl who has that done to her not vice versa. God i feel horrible.. Angelica will probably never want to be my friend again. I feel like im losing complete control over my life.. well not that i ever had that much control anyway.. everyone else has. anyway.. im going back to bed before i start to make myself cry again.. thats another thing..whats up with me and all this damn crying.. honestly you would think someone died by how hard ive been crying.. about everything too.

Current Mood: groggy groggy

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Wed, Oct. 6th, 2004 08:52 pm
So ive had an horrific day.. It mostly started last night when Chris called and told me that we couldnt talk for awhile.. awhile meaning months and months.. No emails, Ims, text messages, or phone calls. I tend to be his lust downfall i guess.. i dont mean to be. He's my best friend and i cant even call him. I cried last night til i fell asleep. I sleep most of the day because of this damn headache and dizzyness. Then Joe called me and told me that last week when i absentmindly pulled the chair away from Angelica while she was sitting down that it broke her tail bone. I started bawling right there on the phone with him.. i really havent quit.. i took 5 Midrin just to go to sleep.. deep down wishing i wouldnt wake up. Im a horrible person.. im going to quit young life. im going back to bed.

Current Mood: guilty guilty

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Sun, Oct. 3rd, 2004 08:48 pm
Ok so i figure its time for an update.. ive been neglecting my journal.. sorry to all my faithful followers. *smile* Because i know theres Oh So Many.. haha.. things have been going ok here.. not much going on.. Been spending alot of time with my nine month old nephew, Jett. He makes me feel love in a way i never knew i could. The other day i was babysitting him and he fell asleep in my arms as i laid on the couch and we both took a nap. It was soo comforting to feel him laying there. I love it when he sees me and gets this huge smile across his face.. sooo adorable. Anyway.. not much really going on.. my life is a drag. Still waiting to find out if the "second" guy is going to take the plea or if we have to go through a second trial. Thats all for now.

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful

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Sat, Sep. 11th, 2004 05:10 pm
I found out this morning that one of my high school friends died last month.. she died of anorexica.. the same problem ive been dealing with since i was a sophomore in high school. Joe said no one could get ahold of me.. they were calling my house phone instead of my cell phone. I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. That could of easily of been me in high school.. i feel so bad because i didnt help her.. but you cant help people until they want to be helped. All I could of done was cry as she refused the food. I remember soo many times at lunch in high school where my friend Andrea would sit there and cry because i wouldnt even eat a granola bar. God I feel horrible.. Anyways.. i had to spend the day at the Greater Kansas City Young Life Leader Conference. It was kinda fun.. would of been funner if this wasnt sprung on me at 7 in the morning..

Current Mood: sad sad

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